Posted by: George Kimani | August 1, 2016

When your partner is unlovable

We all get one of those days when we feel unlovable. Days when we get easily irritated, angry, infuriated, frustrated and the like for no apparent reason.

In most cases this feeling is out of our control and often is a source of conflict in relationships.
Both men and women experience this imbalance although am told women get a little more days like these than men. The causes of this feeling, although we are usually unaware of them, range from pressure at work, failed projects, unfulfilled relationships, dysfunctional extended families and the like. For women however hormonal imbalance is a major cause that is even further out of control.

black-couple-in-bedI have had some of these days as a man and have had to deal with these from my partner. Some of them I have done well, but many times I have missed the mark. I am still learning but
I must admit that it is tough. At first you wonder what is with all the anger and you start wondering what you could have done wrong. One is tempted to keep their distance and allow the partner to come along. Other times we too get angry. All these make the situation worse. At this point our partners need us to be there for them and not the opposite.

It is good to first appreciate that there is no feeling or behavior without a cause and your partner has a reason when he/she gets a bad day, whether they know it or not. Learn how to best support them. For most women a hug and a listening ear do wonders. I know men are tempted to offer solutions but this is not the time.

For most men, letting them be and not pestering them with a myriad of questions works. You may need to give them time to come out of the closet. All in all we are different and we prefer different support mechanisms. The best time to learn what works for your partner is on a good day; don’t wait to ask this question in the middle of the bad day.

Another important aspect that can help is self awareness and communication. It is good to know when you are having a bad day and communicate this to your partner. My wife has become good in this and will usually tell me when this feeling strikes. This has often helped me support her better. I appreciate that this is not easy to do. It makes us vulnerable to admit a weakness. However when you compare it with the benefits it brings it is a little pain we can bare.

Dealing with a partner who is having a bad day needs us to go beyond our comfort zone. The beauty of it however is that when we do it with an open mind, it helps us understand them more, support them better and learn how to treat them better next time it happens. It could also act as a mirror to help us appreciate that we too have bad days when we need support. It also refreshes our love life, since it offers us an opportunity to do something for those we love.

Whatever the case don’t leave your partner behind, reach out to them and offer them a reason to want to get out of their bad day.


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